𝐑𝐞𝐠𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐬𝐧’𝐭 𝐭𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐫𝐮𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬.𝑰𝒕 𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒓𝒈𝒆𝒔 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒔𝒂𝒇𝒆𝒕𝒚.

Not from the fear of punishment.

Not from sticker charts or timeouts.

Not from being told to “𝑐𝑎𝑙𝑚 𝑑𝑜𝑤𝑛” or “𝑢𝑠𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑑𝑠.”

It emerges when a child senses they are safe enough to feel.

Safety isn’t just the absence of danger.

It’s the presence of co-regulation - a nervous system nearby that says,

“𝐼’𝑚 ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒. 𝐼’𝑚 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑎𝑓𝑟𝑎𝑖𝑑 𝑜𝑓 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑏𝑖𝑔 𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑠. 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑑𝑜𝑛’𝑡 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑑𝑜 𝑎𝑛𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡𝑜 𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑚𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡. 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑎𝑙𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑦 𝑒𝑛𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ.”

When a child is dysregulated - whether it looks like rage or retreat - it is not a moral failure.

It is a survival state.

The child isn’t refusing to behave. Their brain has left the room. Their body is doing what it was designed to do: protect them.

What they need is not a lecture.

What they need is not a consequence.

What they need is you - staying with them instead of sending them away.

It sounds simple, but it is not easy.

Because to offer this kind of presence, 𝐰𝐞 must be regulated.

We must undo the scripts that say “𝑜b𝑒d𝑖e𝑛c𝑒 𝑒q𝑢a𝑙s g𝑜o𝑑n𝑒s𝑠.”

We must resist the urge to control what we don’t yet understand.

And when we do - when we slow down, soften our voices, and give the child time and space to re-enter safety, we witness something extraordinary:

A child who can breathe again.

A child who can speak again.

A child who, without being told to, regulates.

Not because they were rewarded.

Not because they were punished.

But because, for the first time in a long time, they were safe.

This is the soil where emotional regulation grows.

Not in suppression. Not in compliance.

But in 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏.